The Husband Effect
The Husband Effect
My husband and I brokered a little deal with each other years ago – having to do with boating. When we boat together we choose who gets to be the captain. If he’s the captain, he does everything. He pilots the boat, he manages the lines, he docks, he chooses the route. He does everything – and I enjoy the ride and don’t comment on his skills or choices. When I’m the captain, I take the role and he does nothing. Zero. He can’t comment on my docking, can’t choose the route . . . . or comment on anything really.
This occasionally gets weird when we’re boating with friends who draw quick conclusions about how one of us is a big slacker. If they only knew - one of the main reasons we are happily married is because we boat this way together.
When married people boat together. They get freaking weird.
Otherwise perfectly fabulous, civilized, normal people lose their cool, snap at each other, give commands, threaten, give ultimatums. . . if it weren’t so stressful it would be comical!
I’m a pretty sane and reasonable person and yet I’ve definitely been eligible for the “Worst Boating Behavior Ever” award. These winners have come out of my mouth on more than one occasion:
· “I will NEVER step foot on this boat again!”
· “If you don’t change your tone I won’t lift a finger to do one thing on this boat!”
· “NO – YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!” – I’m really proud of this one.
Mind Reading
I would like to blame my award-winning behavior on my husband’s firm belief that I am a mind reader. He really and truly thinks that I know when he wants me to throw the line around the piling. He is certain that I know exactly how he thinks I should pump the fuel. He’s confident that I will know to throw the midship line first rather than the bow line. . .. and I could go on and on.
What is mildly amusing to me (now) is that he is ALWAYS surprised when my telepathic powers fail me and I have to ask a question. He’ll say a simple, “Get ready,” when we’re chugging in to a marina we’ve never been to before. This is the kind of statement that stalls my telepathic powers!
This is a conversation we used to have a lot:
Him: “Get ready.”
Me: “What do you want me to do?”
Him: “Get ready.”
Me: “Could you be more specific?”
Him: “We’re almost there - get ready.”
Have you ever had this conversation?
The Better Boater
My husband’s the better boater. He knows what he’s doing on the water, he’s safe, he grew up driving boats. . . blah blah blah. (I rarely hear the line, “oh - she grew up driving boats !”) For a lot of women who boat with men, the man is the better boater. Not always but often.
It’s only natural that he has ideas about what and how I should captain, but also about how I could be a better mate.
Despite his higher skill level, I boat perfectly fine. It might take me longer. It might not look as good, I might be sweating bullets in the tighter canals. I can get the job done, but it just won’t be in the same way my more experienced husband would do it.
Because he can boat in his sleep - he literally does not have the ability to articulate (in a way I can understand) what he wants me to do on board. Boating is second nature to him - he doesn't even think about what he is doing, so why do I think he could put it into words?
The equivalent might be asking me how to cook an egg. I would pause, have to think about it, pause again. And probably say, “Well, I’ve never really thought about it - it’s so easy. I guess you would start by getting a pan. . .. “
Interrupted Telepathy
So on our boat, when my telepathy stops working we can’t communicate with each other. We get resentful and irritated. And most important, boating stops being fun. And sometimes the safety part gets a little iffy if one of us (no names here) refuses to ‘lift a finger’ because her feelings were hurt (or something silly like that).
Easy Solutions
One Captain On small boats that can be managed by one person (under 30 feet or so), decide that there is only going to be one captain. One person chooses the job and owns it. The captain gets the lines, drops the anchor. . . whatever needs to happen she does it. The other person is the passenger. This takes a little more effort for one person, but in the end - to be able to get rid of the friction that comes when two people are front seat driving is worth it!
Practice Sessions The ‘one captain’ solution doesn’t work on big boats. If you need two people to handle your boat, trust me when I tell you that if you dedicate time on your boat with your partner that is simply devoted to things like getting out of the canal, untying and stowing lines, and docking, things will work sooo much better.
Most of us have the cooler packed and are on board ready to rock and roll without having ever taken the time to have a conversation (or many) about who does what and when. How do the lines get stowed? Where are the fenders? Where’s the fire extinguisher? What kind of knots do we tie? And the list goes on and on.
Taking the time to create scenarios and practicing them makes all the sense in the world!
Don’t choose telepathy - it is terribly unreliable!
Fair winds my friend!