The Husband Effect
My husband and I brokered a little deal with each other. When we boat together, we choose who gets to be the captain. If he’s the captain, he does everything. He pilots the boat, he manages the lines, he docks, he chooses the route. He does everything – and I enjoy the ride and don’t comment on his skills or choices. When I’m the captain, I take the role and he does nothing. Zero. He can’t comment on my docking, can’t choose the route . . . . or comment on anything really.
This occasionally gets weird when we’re boating with friends. It’s easy to draw quick conclusions about how one of us is a big slacker. If they only knew - one of the main reasons we are happily married is because we have agreed that there can only be one captain on board.
When married people boat together. They get weird.
Otherwise perfectly fabulous, civilized, normal people lose their cool, snap at each other, give commands, threaten, give ultimatums. . . if it weren’t so stressful, it would be comical!
I’m a pretty sane and reasonable person and yet I’ve definitely been eligible for the, “Worst Boating Behavior Ever” award. These winners have come out of my mouth on more than one occasion:
· “I will NEVER step foot on this boat again with you!”
· “I don’t like your tone - and I won’t lift a finger to do one thing on this boat!”
· “NO – YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!” – I’m really proud of this one.
Mind Reading
I would like to blame my award-winning behavior on my husband’s firm belief that I am a mind reader. He really and truly thinks I know when he wants me to throw the line around the piling. He is certain I know exactly how he thinks I should pump the fuel. He’s confident I will know to throw the midship line first, rather than the bow line. . .. and I could go on and on.
What is mildly amusing to me (now) is that he is ALWAYS surprised when my telepathic powers fail me and I have to ask a question. He’ll say a simple, “Get ready,” when we’re chugging in to a marina we’ve never been to before. This is the kind of statement that stalls my telepathic powers!
This is a conversation we used to have a lot:
Him: “Get ready.”
Me: “What do you want me to do?”
Him: “Get ready.”
Me: “Could you be more specific?”
Him: “We’re almost there - get ready.”
Have you ever had this conversation? I have no idea what to “get ready” for - and he can’t articulate it!
The Better Boater
My husband’s the better boater. He knows what he’s doing on the water, he’s safe, he grew up driving boats. . . blah blah blah.
Because he can boat in his sleep - he literally does not have the ability to articulate (in a way I can understand) what he wants me to do on board. Boating is second nature to him - he doesn't even think about what he is doing, so why do I think he could put it into words?
The equivalent might be asking me how to cook an egg. I would pause, have to think about it, pause again. And probably say, “Well, I’ve never really thought about it - it’s so easy. I guess you would start by getting a pan. . .. “
Easy Solutions
Some people seem to thrive on the arguments that happen on board with their spouse - but if you want to change this, here are just two simple ideas to consider:
Designate One Captain Small boats can usually be managed by one person. If you really want to avoid confrontation, you can decide there is only going to be one captain. One person chooses the job and owns it. The captain gets the lines, drops the anchor. . . whatever needs to happen she does it. The other person is the passenger. This takes a little more effort for one person, but in the end - in might be worth it to go this route in order to get rid of the friction that comes when two people can’t resist front seat driving!
Practice Sessions The ‘one captain’ solution is nice, but it simply doesn’t work on big boats. If two people are necessary to handle your boat, dedicate some time to simply practicing boating skills together in this logical manner:
Agree on a shared vocabulary. Are you using terms you both understand? If you are asking your mate to turn to “port” or “starboard” and he doesn’t know what that means, it’s a problem.
Agree on shared safety protocols. This diffuses so many situations if everyone on board understands the safety features of a vessel and how to activate them.
Agree on common boating practices. How do you deploy and stow the anchor? What knots should be tied every time you are at the dock? How is the boat stored at night?
Designate practice sessions for common scenarios. Set aside time to practice docking or fueling with your partner. With the intention of boating cooperatively, run through the exact scenarios that frustrate you the most.
Most of us have the cooler packed and are on board ready to rock and roll without having ever taken the time to have a conversation (or many) about who does what and when.
Taking the time to recreate and practice boating scenarios takes time but pays off immeasurably toward the health of your marriage and to the longevity of your boating pleasure!
Fair winds my friend!